Letter to EC: Oh Why?

Dear Charlotte Osei,

It’s with mixed feelings like Kalyppo Multifruit that I write you this letter. Ever since I saw news about you disqualifying some people, I’ve not been able to drink a box of Kalyppo. I’ve lost appetite. So this thing you’ve done, ‘where does it face?’ (direct translation from twi)

In a news article headlined “EC Disqualifies 14 Presidential Candidates”, I realised most of our favourite candidates have been disqualified. Do you know what that means to us, especially me? Let me brief you, pay attention.

First of all, we all know Nduom has about 50 and over companies. He’s really invested and the money he gets can organise one national election not to talk of the money which he could have shared to students. I, for instance, am a card bearing member of TESCON (NPP’s Student Wing), TEIN (NDC’s Student Wing) and PPP. Meaning I’ll be collecting from all points. Disqualifying PPP would mean, one source of revenue has been taken away. Do you know how that feels in this Mahamic Economy?

I want to believe the Electoral Commission has no pity and is very heartless. Do you know what it takes to see all your colleague pioneers of the 4th Republic becoming presidents and even their successors taking over while you watch from the 5th position always? How could you do that to Dr. Edward Mahama? Herh…….the man suffer oooo. Who said he’s been even third in an election before? When he started vying for president, where were you? Had you even finished JHS? He doesn’t want to be president, just mere recognition k3k3. So you know better than Afari-Gyan abi?

As I write you this letter, I feel offended as a key player in the comedy and satire industry. We presented only two candidates this year, Madam Akua Donkor and ‘Dr’ Hassan Ayariga, and you’ve disqualified them. So do you want to say comedians can’t be presidents or the presidency is not fit jokes? With APC, when we make people laugh, we’d produce Akoma APC to ameliorate the headache and coughs which come with excessive laughter. This would mean creating more jobs and making Ghana a happy country. You just killed the entertainment industry within a second. Do you even know Ayariga has sued NPP over manifesto plagiarism? Just imagine the thrill such a case can bring, but no, you don’t like entertainment.

For the rest of the other disqualified candidates, I personally think you did well. Some of them want to be Hillary Clinton cos their husbands were there once. They should all go back to their first love and vote. If they want change, the can vote NPP or CPP. If they want to be neutral, they can vote Independent.

But despite the criticism, I think this action would reduce the queues during elections since some people won’t vote and can’t be voted for. At least, we can now tell those who are for NDC or NPP. For CPP and Independent, we’d see them in the ballot counting process. At least, I know RBP, Rejected Ballots Party, is in the race so no shaking.

I can imagine how strenuous the process was for you, so take a chill. Grab some chilled box of Kalyppo Juice and complement with some red hen from KFC. When you’re satisfied and feel like dancing, just do the Usain ‘Boat’ (In Mahama’s accent) signature to tell them, you’re are way ahead of them.

Anyway, I have a crush on you. Lemme know when the feeling is mutual. Enjoy a wonderful election era ahead.

Sgd,

Manuel Nii Bavard Martey Mensah
(Flagbearer, Rejected Ballots Party)

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